I Dreamed I Beat My Mother to Death with a Baseball Bat

150 150 Carol Davis

My mother has been dead, or departed from life as we know it, since 1998!  She was (as my therapist called it) a “five-star narcissist with organic impairment.”  The organic impairment came in her later years as a result of alcohol abuse.

When I finally learned from a professional that how my mother treated people actually had a name and had nothing to do with me, I felt validated, supported and relieved.  It was a giant “phew.”

I spent many years in therapy after that trying to learn it was not my fault, nor could I fix it or change it.  While therapy (and a master’s degree in psychology) helped me at an intellectual and/or academic level of understanding, I still could not get away from “why.”   Why she was, and why could I not do anything to help her change and relieve the abuse I and the rest of my family and relatives endured non-stop.

What has happened is I have continued to attract narcissists into my life – as friends, lovers, bosses, etc. – and time after time, I fail to recognize it until I get the sudden proverbial boot without any explanation.

The last time I got thrown away was three years ago – by a friend – and it was perhaps the most painful and at the same time the one I learned from the most.  It was actually a friend who said to me one day after I had been thrown away, “You know she is a narcissist, don’t’ you?”

What?   I had no idea.   I told my friend, “That is not possible because she has empathy.”

My friend said, “No, she doesn’t.  She has learned to act and talk as if she does.”   I also learned that not all narcissists are mean and nasty.  My friend was one of the sweetest, kindest people ever (or at least in her public persona).   Everyone loves her – as they should.  However, once I was no longer of any use and was discarded, my therapist helped me to see the underlying abuse and manipulations.

“Wow, wow, wow!!  I was then able to go back and recognized all the narcs in my life and all the times I had been thrown away.   I thought when my mother died, I was done with working through those issues.

Nope, we are never done until we are done – until we learn what we need to learn.

Which brings me back to the dream – or rather, nightmare.   I will give you an overview of the nightmare and what I learned from it.  So why the heck was I dreaming I beat my mother to death with a baseball bat since she is already dead?  I have an answer.

In the dream, we were not fighting and there was no trauma that I can recall.  I was not even angry.  I simply beat her with a bat until she was dead.   After she was dead, I had no remorse, guilt, or sadness.  Instead I behaved like a full blown 100% narcissist.  I was not affected in the least that she was dead, I was only concerned about what I had done to MY life.   I was crying, not because she was dead, but because I would now be leaving this planet as a murderer.  Not what I had planned.  I am a life coach, a spiritual guide and a licensed Science of Mind Practitioner. How could I be a murderer?   I was upset – devastated that she could still get me.

I flew out of bed.  It was 1 am and I was wide awake and deep in thought and went straight to the computer to type out what just happened so I would not forget.   It would be there for me to contemplate later.

A few days later, it hit me.   I did not beat my mother to death (she was already dead) – I KILLED THE NARCISSIST in her.   Then I became the narcissist so I could get an idea of the pain from inside of her.

I could live as her for a few moments in time so I could have a glimpse of her pain.

The narcissism is gone and I may never need to attract the challenge again.




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Carol Davis

All stories by: Carol Davis

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