Whenever I read about another suicide as I did this very morning, my heart and soul do a dance of sadness and gratitude as my entire being feels shattered with the pain of identification. I have lost count of my multiple suicide attempts from 10 to age 27.
My heart aches when I remember the pain, the anguish, the overwhelming self loathing and depression and the knowing that my death would be the only solution to end the madness. I knew it was selfish, I knew there might be some who missed me but I could no longer bear the pain – a kind of pain for which there is no description and no explanation.
The gratitude is for the failure of my multiple attempts. I am still on planet earth many, many years later and living a life filled with joy. I DID find reasons to live and to be free of the pain. I still get depressed but I have solutions today and no longer live in the constant hopeless state of depression, anxiety, and fear.
The need to suicide goes way deeper than feeling sad, or mad or even hopeless and helpless. There are no words that explain the depth of the emotional and mental pain that consumed my heart and soul – my entire being. I heard others telling me my worth from their perception. I heard all their reasons why I needed, or should, to continue living. I heard the “love” word more times than I thought possible. None of it ever eased the pain of being in my skin. I clearly remember the pain but still lack words to adequately cover it. There was no cell, no atom, within my body that escaped the pain of being alive. The closest I can come to expressing what I felt was knowing I was very, very broken and there were no known repairs. I was a mistake because I “knew” there was something missing in me that would allow me to feel and perceive – to be – like others. I was overwhelmed with shame (yes even at age 10 when I put a knife into my chest – in front of my mother) at the shambles of my very existence. I could no longer take up space on this planet.
Even if multiple other solutions have been presented, when all other options have been considered, or tried, suicide happens when deep down to the very tippy toes – deeper than deep – when every fiber of one’s being “knows” the only option is suicide… It happens. This has been only an expression of my experience.
Today, I am a spiritual guide and motivational speaker, and I assist people who want to leave the dark place of anger and self loathing to a new home in the light. Pleas contact me if you, or anyone you know is angry. I can help.