My mother has been dead, or departed from life as we know it, since 1998! She was (as my therapist called it) a “five-star narcissist with organic impairment.” The organic impairment came in her later years as a result of alcohol abuse.
When I finally learned from a professional that how my mother treated people actually had a name and had nothing to do with me, I felt validated, supported and relieved. It was a giant “phew.”
I spent many years in therapy after that trying to learn it was not my fault, nor could I fix it or change it. While therapy (and a master’s degree in psychology) helped me at an intellectual and/or academic level of understanding, I still could not get away from “why.” Why she was, and why could I not do anything to help her change and relieve the abuse I and the rest of my family and relatives endured non-stop.
What has happened is I have continued to attract narcissists into my life – as friends, lovers, bosses, etc. – and time after time, I fail to recognize it until I get the sudden proverbial boot without any explanation.
The last time I got thrown away was three years ago – by a friend – and it was perhaps the most painful and at the same time the one I learned from the most. It was actually a friend who said to me one day after I had been thrown away, “You know she is a narcissist, don’t’ you?”
What? I had no idea. I told my friend, “That is not possible because she has empathy.”
My friend said, “No, she doesn’t. She has learned to act and talk as if she does.” I also learned that not all narcissists are mean and nasty. My friend was one of the sweetest, kindest people ever (or at least in her public persona). Everyone loves her – as they should. However, once I was no longer of any use and was discarded, my therapist helped me to see the underlying abuse and manipulations.
“Wow, wow, wow!! I was then able to go back and recognized all the narcs in my life and all the times I had been thrown away. I thought when my mother died, I was done with working through those issues.
Nope, we are never done until we are done – until we learn what we need to learn.
Which brings me back to the dream – or rather, nightmare. I will give you an overview of the nightmare and what I learned from it. So why the heck was I dreaming I beat my mother to death with a baseball bat since she is already dead? I have an answer.
In the dream, we were not fighting and there was no trauma that I can recall. I was not even angry. I simply beat her with a bat until she was dead. After she was dead, I had no remorse, guilt, or sadness. Instead I behaved like a full blown 100% narcissist. I was not affected in the least that she was dead, I was only concerned about what I had done to MY life. I was crying, not because she was dead, but because I would now be leaving this planet as a murderer. Not what I had planned. I am a life coach, a spiritual guide and a licensed Science of Mind Practitioner. How could I be a murderer? I was upset – devastated that she could still get me.
I flew out of bed. It was 1 am and I was wide awake and deep in thought and went straight to the computer to type out what just happened so I would not forget. It would be there for me to contemplate later.
A few days later, it hit me. I did not beat my mother to death (she was already dead) – I KILLED THE NARCISSIST in her. Then I became the narcissist so I could get an idea of the pain from inside of her.
I could live as her for a few moments in time so I could have a glimpse of her pain.
The narcissism is gone and I may never need to attract the challenge again.
I AM FREE!